Faye (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
said_scarlett) wrote2009-06-12 01:10 pm
said_scarlett) wrote2009-06-12 01:10 pm
Birthday Fic: Real Elves Suck
So, this is a very, very special birthday fic for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nijawial. :D See, we have all these little jokes and crack ideas that we come up with, and a few have been requested as fics. This is one such request.
And oddly, about 80% of them involve South Park.
So Nija, this is for you. :D I hope you enjoy!
Title: Real Elves Suck
Fandoms: Halfblood Chronicles/South Park (yes, you read that right. :D)
Word Count: 2744
Rating: R for language
Warnings: Potty mouths, but not nearly as bad as you find on the actual show.
Author's Note: Kenny's dialogue in this fic is exactly like his on the show. He's actually saying real things, but they were run through an English-to-Kenny online translator. :D
Summary: If Kyle had learned one thing and one thing only, it was that Cartman's plans never worked out. Even when they did.
“Dude, Cartman, what the hell are you doing?”
An oft expressed sentiment in South Park, uttered by many - but most often, as in this particular case, uttered by Kyle Broflowski.
And with good reason. Eric Cartman - bigoted, obnoxious, sometimes violent and always scheming - was in the middle of a clearing, dancing. Kyle had seen Cartman engage in some bizarre activity before, but this was out there even for him.
Kyle had been on his way to redeem a coupon for a free ice cream sundae. He’d caught sight of Cartman sneaking off into the woods with what looked like a crown of flowers on his hat. Naturally, Kyle had been compelled to abandon his ice cream destination in favor of spying on Cartman.
Clearly, it had been well worth it.
“HEY!” Cartman froze, his eyes narrowing. “You followed me, didn’t you, you stupid Jew?!?! This is a private experiment!”
“Experiment?” Kyle was struggling not to lose himself laughing. He wished he had his video camera - this would be a perfect addition to the surprisingly large video collection of Cartman doing embarrassing things. “You’re dancing around a meadow like the world’s fattest ballerina. What the hell are you doing?”
“”NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!” Cartman’s face was turning red.
“Okay, fine.” Kyle held up his hands. “That’s fine, Cartman. It doesn’t even matter what you’re doing, because when I tell everybody at school, they’re not gonna care. So you have fun Cartman.”
Kyle knew Cartman too well. He turned to walk away, secretly smiling once his back was to the other boy. He counted in his mind. One. Two. Thr…
“FUCKING JEW BASTARD! You aren’t telling anyone about this! I’ll kill you!”
Kyle turned. “Okay, Cartman. Tell me what you’re doing and I won’t tell everybody at school.” He’d just tell Stan and Kenny. And maybe Cyle, And Jimmy’d probably get a real kick out of it…
“ARGH! Fine!” Cartman pursed his lips and rolled his eyes, displeased and reluctant. He didn’t say anything for a good few minutes, but Kyle was patient.
“My mom has this book, see…” Cartman began, shifting from one foot to the other. “And it says how you can like…summon….Hey! You better not steal my idea!”
“I’m not going to steal your idea,” Kyle said, calmly. “All your ideas are stupid and fail epically. I wouldn’t take one of your ideas if you paid me to.”
Cartman’s expression - and lengthy tirade of curses and protests - were expected, and Kyle weathered them with a sort of dry boredom that was the only proper response to a Cartman tirade.
Finally, it tapered off and the rather in-equal ’discussion’ wandered back to more explanatory territory.
“So my mom has this book, right? And it tells how you can summon elves and fairies and stuff to clean your house and do your chores and shit. So I’m summoning some to be my slaves.”
Kyle was silent for a few moments. He simply stood at the edge of the clearing, staring at Cartman. It wasn’t the craziest idea that Cartman had had, not by far. It wasn’t shocking or mind-blowing or even terribly remarkable. On the scale of Remarkably Stupid Things He and His Friends Did, it was probably somewhere around a 3 or 4. And yet….
“That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.”
Even if it wasn’t. Kyle didn’t care, he just knew what would piss off Cartman. And who was he to let a chance to do so go by?
“Screw you!” Cartman balled his fists and hopped in anger. “You’re gonna be totally jealous when I have a whole fucking army of magical creatures to do my bidding! You’re gonna be all ‘Oh Cartman, I’m so sorry I called you stupid, can your magical army do my homework for me?’ and I’ll be all ‘haha, no loser!’.”
“It’s not going to work.”
Another bit of rhetoric that Kyle didn’t entirely believe. For all he knew, it would work. But if experience had taught him anything, it was that things never worked out how they were supposed to.
Cartman was yelling and cavorting around like a madman by now, and Kyle decided it was time to go round up Stan and let him know it was probably going to be another one of Those Days.
I should probably get that ice cream now, he thought to himself as he left Cartman to his mad designs. I probably won’t get a chance to later…
***
Kyle’s ice cream was long gone, and he and Stan were at Stan’s house playing video games. After laughing about Cartman’s antics and debating the potential hilarity of staging some sort of elaborate prank, they’d mostly forgotten about it when Stan mentioned he’d been gifted with Street Fighter 5 for the XboX 360.
The boys had their priorities, after all.
They were heavily immersed in a tournament, Mountain Dew bottles forgotten beside them, bags of chips discarded on the floor in the heat of battle.
When the front door banged open, neither Stan nor Kyle took their eyes away from the screen.
“GUYS! GUYS! SERIOUSLY, GUYS!”
Both recognized the whining, wheedling, out of breath voice. And neither cared. Stan executed a special move that sent Kyle flying across the screen and landing with a painful crunch.
Then Kyle remembered his encounter with Cartman earlier that afternoon. He’d been right to get his ice cream, he realized.
“What is it, fatass?” Stan didn’t look away from the screen.
“I did it! It totally worked you guys!”
“What totally worked?” Stan asked.
“It didn’t work,” Kyle said, but now he had to admit he was at least mildly curious as to what Cartman had achieved with his forest dance recital. That Kyle still wished he’d been able to video tape.
“It totally did! I totally have magical slaves now!” For a fat kid, Cartman never seemed to be able to stop moving. Now, instead of hopping and scooting in anger, he seemed as though he were going to burst with excitement. The metaphorical image was absolutely disgusting.
“Sure you do.” Stan and Kyle exchanged A Look.
“I do! HEY! GET IN HERE!”
Kyle watched with mild, bored curiosity. He wasn’t entirely surprised when two guys that looked like they’d just stepped off the set of The Lord of the Rings walked in, looking perplexed and confused. Cartman had that effect on people.
“See!” Cartman crowed, triumphantly. “I totally called them into being with my magic!”
“Cartman, a pair of desperate out of work Renn Faire actors don’t count.” As authentic as those pointy ears and funny clothes looked, Kyle wasn’t stupid.
“Dude, seriously. That is weak guys. They totally materialized in a burst of light and everything!”
“Did not.”
“GUYS! We have been to outer space, we’ve fought giant robots, we’ve traveled through time and dimensions, we know talking shit, and YOU CAN‘T BELIEVE THAT I HAVE ELVES?”
“Huh. He’s kind of got a point, dude,” Stan said, finally putting down his video game.
Kyle reluctantly admitted to the idea that there was a chance this was on the level. A slim one, but a chance all the same. Weirder things had happened, much much weirder things.
“Okay, fine. If you really summoned magical elves, prove it.”
“I will!” Cartman grabbed the hand of the paler of the two ‘elves’ and hauled him forward. “Okay slave! Do magic!”
“….I beg your pardon?” was the only response.
“Wow, that’s totally impressive,” Kyle said, rolling his eyes.
“Guys! Just…just wait a minute!” Cartman turned to the ’elf’, hands on his hips. “Now! I summoned you and that makes you my slave and you have to respect my authorit-ay!”
Kyle supposed this was at least entertaining. Not quite as entertaining as playing Street Fighter, but still worth a few minutes of attention.
“Please, young man, I don’t know who you are or how you managed to bring my cousin and I here, but we would appreciate it if you stopped yelling at us.”
“I’ll yell if I want to! Now do some magic to prove to these assholes that you’re really elves!” Cartman’s voice was strained and screeching, and Kyle and Stan winced. And then Cartman was silent and still, eyes wide and mouth hanging open.
“Dude!” Stan exclaimed.
“Sweet!” Kyle said. “Dude, maybe they are really elves!”
“Are you guys magic elves?” Stan asked.
The two exchanged a glance between them, and the freakishly pale one that had shut Cartman up shrugged.
“I suppose, yes. If you would be so kind as to explain to us what’s happened…?”
“Uh…our dumbass kind-of-friend read in a book how to summon elves so he tried it and I guess he got you.” Which wasn’t anywhere near a magical army, and Kyle decided Cartman wouldn’t be able to make them do anything. Let alone serve his every whim.
“I…see.” Another look exchanged. “How did a human child acquire the power to do such a thing?”
Stan glanced at Kyle who just shrugged.
“Uh, it’s really better to just not ask stuff like that,” Stan responded. “You’ll just get a headache, trust me. Uh, I‘m Stan and this is Kyle.”
“I am V’kass Valyn el-Lord Hernalth, and this is my faithful cousin, Shadow.”
Stan and Kyle blinked. “Yeah, I think we’re just gonna call you Legolas and Frodo.”
“Dude, Frodo wasn’t an elf, he was a hobbit,” Kyle pointed out.
“So what?” Stan wasn’t terribly hung up on details. “So what do we do now?”
“Who the hell cares?” Kyle hopped off the couch. “It’s Cartman’s problem, not ours.”
“Yeah, but…how cool would it be to play Lord of the Rings with real elves?” Stan asked, his voice low. “Think about it!”
“….dude!”
“Ah, excuse me, children…we’d quite like to go home.”
“Oh, yeah, sure.” Kyle nodded. He didn’t have the slightest idea how to actually send them home, or where ’home’ was, but he wasn’t terribly concerned. Cartman could deal with that later.
“But there’s just one thing we have to do first…”
***
By the time the sun was setting, most of South Park’s fourth graders (plus ‘Legolas’ and ‘Frodo’) were gathered at Stark’s Pond.
“Oh no! The minions of Sauron!” Kyle, decked out in his makeshift costume, pointed across the pond to another group of 9 year olds. “Quick Legolas, use your nature magic to stop them!”
“I don’t have any nature magic!” ‘Legolas’ protested.
“Well…do something!” Kyle insisted. This really wasn’t going as awesome as they’d thought it would. Stan didn’t seem to be having much luck either.
“Use the ring Frodo, it’s the only way!”
“Do I have to put this thing on? It’s turning my finger green…”
“Dude, just put it on and then make yourself invisible!”
“I…don’t think I can do that….”
For a pair of elves - even if the shorter one kept saying he wasn’t an elf - they sucked at playing Lord of the Rings.
“TIME OUT!” Kyle called. “Look, this is really simple. We’re the Fellowship of the Ring. We’re taking the one ring to the fires of mount doom to destroy it. You’re the elf prince Legolas, you’re a master bowman and have super cool magic and you use it to help us. You’re Frodo Baggins, the brave hobbit that carries the ring. The ring makes you invisible and crap. Those guys are the people trying to stop us. Get it?”
“What’s a ‘hobbit’?”
“ARGH!” Kyle was ready to beat his head against the wall. “Just…do what we tell you, okay? It’s fun!”
And with that, they plunged back into their game. The opposing group of fourth graders had made it around the pond, and a true mock-battle was engaging. Mostly. Legolas and Frodo were still just standing around, looking like they wanted to be elsewhere.
At least until Kenny started hitting Legolas with a stick.
“Oh no, fight him off Legolas, he’s a ring-wraith!” Stan called. Kyle was busy waving a plastic battle axe at Clyde, but he kept an eye on their new playmates to make sure they finally understood the game.
“Would you please stop hitting me?” Legolas was asking Kenny.
“Mff'ppm mfmppfppppppmmm mpffmfmmfpmp ffmppffmf fmfpfm!”
“..pardon?”
“Get him, Legolas!” Kyle, Stan and a handful of others were cheering the elf on.
“Fmppffffm mmmpppmpm mpmmppmpfmppmmmfmp ppmmpp!”
There was a flash of light as Legolas extended his hands. Kenny fell back, smelling slightly burnt.
“Oh my god, they killed Kenny,” Stan said quickly and without enthusiasm.
“You bastards,” Kyle finished, knocking Clyde over.
“…” Legolas was staring at his hands.
“Dude, there’s still more ring wraiths!” Stan yelled.
“I…that little boy…” He sounded horrified. Frodo had come over to join him, looking equally horrified.
“What’s the big deal?” Kyle asked. “Just keep playing, we’re gonna have to go home for dinner soon!”
“Val…what the hell happened?”
“I don’t know! I…I didn’t mean to….”
“Dude! It happens like every day! It‘s fine.” Kyle waved his fake weapon around some more, for effect. But their two elves were now hugging and seeming ridiculously distraught. Great. Just great. This was supposed to be the best Lord of the Rings game ever, but it was starting to totally suck.
“Man, Cartman summoned the crappiest elves ever,” Stan muttered.
“Totally,” Kyle agreed.
“Plus, I think they’re gay for each other,” Stan added.
“Wanna go back home and play more Street Fighter?”
“Sounds good.”
***
Cartman was unfrozen by the time they got back. And pissed.
“WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY ELVES?!?!” he demanded.
“I dunno.” Stan and Kyle hopped on the couch and booted up their video game. “We tried playing Lord of the Rings but they sucked so we came home.”
“DUDE! THAT IS SO NOT FAIR! THOSE WERE MY ELVES AND I WANTED TO PLAY WITH THEM!”
“Then go find them and you try and make them play,” Kyle said. “By the way, I’m pretty sure they were fairies.”
Cartman turned beat red, balled his fists and stomped his foot.
“SCREW YOU GUYS!” He yelled. “I’M GOING HOME!”
nijawial. :D See, we have all these little jokes and crack ideas that we come up with, and a few have been requested as fics. This is one such request. And oddly, about 80% of them involve South Park.
So Nija, this is for you. :D I hope you enjoy!
Title: Real Elves Suck
Fandoms: Halfblood Chronicles/South Park (yes, you read that right. :D)
Word Count: 2744
Rating: R for language
Warnings: Potty mouths, but not nearly as bad as you find on the actual show.
Author's Note: Kenny's dialogue in this fic is exactly like his on the show. He's actually saying real things, but they were run through an English-to-Kenny online translator. :D
Summary: If Kyle had learned one thing and one thing only, it was that Cartman's plans never worked out. Even when they did.
“Dude, Cartman, what the hell are you doing?”
An oft expressed sentiment in South Park, uttered by many - but most often, as in this particular case, uttered by Kyle Broflowski.
And with good reason. Eric Cartman - bigoted, obnoxious, sometimes violent and always scheming - was in the middle of a clearing, dancing. Kyle had seen Cartman engage in some bizarre activity before, but this was out there even for him.
Kyle had been on his way to redeem a coupon for a free ice cream sundae. He’d caught sight of Cartman sneaking off into the woods with what looked like a crown of flowers on his hat. Naturally, Kyle had been compelled to abandon his ice cream destination in favor of spying on Cartman.
Clearly, it had been well worth it.
“HEY!” Cartman froze, his eyes narrowing. “You followed me, didn’t you, you stupid Jew?!?! This is a private experiment!”
“Experiment?” Kyle was struggling not to lose himself laughing. He wished he had his video camera - this would be a perfect addition to the surprisingly large video collection of Cartman doing embarrassing things. “You’re dancing around a meadow like the world’s fattest ballerina. What the hell are you doing?”
“”NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!” Cartman’s face was turning red.
“Okay, fine.” Kyle held up his hands. “That’s fine, Cartman. It doesn’t even matter what you’re doing, because when I tell everybody at school, they’re not gonna care. So you have fun Cartman.”
Kyle knew Cartman too well. He turned to walk away, secretly smiling once his back was to the other boy. He counted in his mind. One. Two. Thr…
“FUCKING JEW BASTARD! You aren’t telling anyone about this! I’ll kill you!”
Kyle turned. “Okay, Cartman. Tell me what you’re doing and I won’t tell everybody at school.” He’d just tell Stan and Kenny. And maybe Cyle, And Jimmy’d probably get a real kick out of it…
“ARGH! Fine!” Cartman pursed his lips and rolled his eyes, displeased and reluctant. He didn’t say anything for a good few minutes, but Kyle was patient.
“My mom has this book, see…” Cartman began, shifting from one foot to the other. “And it says how you can like…summon….Hey! You better not steal my idea!”
“I’m not going to steal your idea,” Kyle said, calmly. “All your ideas are stupid and fail epically. I wouldn’t take one of your ideas if you paid me to.”
Cartman’s expression - and lengthy tirade of curses and protests - were expected, and Kyle weathered them with a sort of dry boredom that was the only proper response to a Cartman tirade.
Finally, it tapered off and the rather in-equal ’discussion’ wandered back to more explanatory territory.
“So my mom has this book, right? And it tells how you can summon elves and fairies and stuff to clean your house and do your chores and shit. So I’m summoning some to be my slaves.”
Kyle was silent for a few moments. He simply stood at the edge of the clearing, staring at Cartman. It wasn’t the craziest idea that Cartman had had, not by far. It wasn’t shocking or mind-blowing or even terribly remarkable. On the scale of Remarkably Stupid Things He and His Friends Did, it was probably somewhere around a 3 or 4. And yet….
“That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.”
Even if it wasn’t. Kyle didn’t care, he just knew what would piss off Cartman. And who was he to let a chance to do so go by?
“Screw you!” Cartman balled his fists and hopped in anger. “You’re gonna be totally jealous when I have a whole fucking army of magical creatures to do my bidding! You’re gonna be all ‘Oh Cartman, I’m so sorry I called you stupid, can your magical army do my homework for me?’ and I’ll be all ‘haha, no loser!’.”
“It’s not going to work.”
Another bit of rhetoric that Kyle didn’t entirely believe. For all he knew, it would work. But if experience had taught him anything, it was that things never worked out how they were supposed to.
Cartman was yelling and cavorting around like a madman by now, and Kyle decided it was time to go round up Stan and let him know it was probably going to be another one of Those Days.
I should probably get that ice cream now, he thought to himself as he left Cartman to his mad designs. I probably won’t get a chance to later…
***
Kyle’s ice cream was long gone, and he and Stan were at Stan’s house playing video games. After laughing about Cartman’s antics and debating the potential hilarity of staging some sort of elaborate prank, they’d mostly forgotten about it when Stan mentioned he’d been gifted with Street Fighter 5 for the XboX 360.
The boys had their priorities, after all.
They were heavily immersed in a tournament, Mountain Dew bottles forgotten beside them, bags of chips discarded on the floor in the heat of battle.
When the front door banged open, neither Stan nor Kyle took their eyes away from the screen.
“GUYS! GUYS! SERIOUSLY, GUYS!”
Both recognized the whining, wheedling, out of breath voice. And neither cared. Stan executed a special move that sent Kyle flying across the screen and landing with a painful crunch.
Then Kyle remembered his encounter with Cartman earlier that afternoon. He’d been right to get his ice cream, he realized.
“What is it, fatass?” Stan didn’t look away from the screen.
“I did it! It totally worked you guys!”
“What totally worked?” Stan asked.
“It didn’t work,” Kyle said, but now he had to admit he was at least mildly curious as to what Cartman had achieved with his forest dance recital. That Kyle still wished he’d been able to video tape.
“It totally did! I totally have magical slaves now!” For a fat kid, Cartman never seemed to be able to stop moving. Now, instead of hopping and scooting in anger, he seemed as though he were going to burst with excitement. The metaphorical image was absolutely disgusting.
“Sure you do.” Stan and Kyle exchanged A Look.
“I do! HEY! GET IN HERE!”
Kyle watched with mild, bored curiosity. He wasn’t entirely surprised when two guys that looked like they’d just stepped off the set of The Lord of the Rings walked in, looking perplexed and confused. Cartman had that effect on people.
“See!” Cartman crowed, triumphantly. “I totally called them into being with my magic!”
“Cartman, a pair of desperate out of work Renn Faire actors don’t count.” As authentic as those pointy ears and funny clothes looked, Kyle wasn’t stupid.
“Dude, seriously. That is weak guys. They totally materialized in a burst of light and everything!”
“Did not.”
“GUYS! We have been to outer space, we’ve fought giant robots, we’ve traveled through time and dimensions, we know talking shit, and YOU CAN‘T BELIEVE THAT I HAVE ELVES?”
“Huh. He’s kind of got a point, dude,” Stan said, finally putting down his video game.
Kyle reluctantly admitted to the idea that there was a chance this was on the level. A slim one, but a chance all the same. Weirder things had happened, much much weirder things.
“Okay, fine. If you really summoned magical elves, prove it.”
“I will!” Cartman grabbed the hand of the paler of the two ‘elves’ and hauled him forward. “Okay slave! Do magic!”
“….I beg your pardon?” was the only response.
“Wow, that’s totally impressive,” Kyle said, rolling his eyes.
“Guys! Just…just wait a minute!” Cartman turned to the ’elf’, hands on his hips. “Now! I summoned you and that makes you my slave and you have to respect my authorit-ay!”
Kyle supposed this was at least entertaining. Not quite as entertaining as playing Street Fighter, but still worth a few minutes of attention.
“Please, young man, I don’t know who you are or how you managed to bring my cousin and I here, but we would appreciate it if you stopped yelling at us.”
“I’ll yell if I want to! Now do some magic to prove to these assholes that you’re really elves!” Cartman’s voice was strained and screeching, and Kyle and Stan winced. And then Cartman was silent and still, eyes wide and mouth hanging open.
“Dude!” Stan exclaimed.
“Sweet!” Kyle said. “Dude, maybe they are really elves!”
“Are you guys magic elves?” Stan asked.
The two exchanged a glance between them, and the freakishly pale one that had shut Cartman up shrugged.
“I suppose, yes. If you would be so kind as to explain to us what’s happened…?”
“Uh…our dumbass kind-of-friend read in a book how to summon elves so he tried it and I guess he got you.” Which wasn’t anywhere near a magical army, and Kyle decided Cartman wouldn’t be able to make them do anything. Let alone serve his every whim.
“I…see.” Another look exchanged. “How did a human child acquire the power to do such a thing?”
Stan glanced at Kyle who just shrugged.
“Uh, it’s really better to just not ask stuff like that,” Stan responded. “You’ll just get a headache, trust me. Uh, I‘m Stan and this is Kyle.”
“I am V’kass Valyn el-Lord Hernalth, and this is my faithful cousin, Shadow.”
Stan and Kyle blinked. “Yeah, I think we’re just gonna call you Legolas and Frodo.”
“Dude, Frodo wasn’t an elf, he was a hobbit,” Kyle pointed out.
“So what?” Stan wasn’t terribly hung up on details. “So what do we do now?”
“Who the hell cares?” Kyle hopped off the couch. “It’s Cartman’s problem, not ours.”
“Yeah, but…how cool would it be to play Lord of the Rings with real elves?” Stan asked, his voice low. “Think about it!”
“….dude!”
“Ah, excuse me, children…we’d quite like to go home.”
“Oh, yeah, sure.” Kyle nodded. He didn’t have the slightest idea how to actually send them home, or where ’home’ was, but he wasn’t terribly concerned. Cartman could deal with that later.
“But there’s just one thing we have to do first…”
***
By the time the sun was setting, most of South Park’s fourth graders (plus ‘Legolas’ and ‘Frodo’) were gathered at Stark’s Pond.
“Oh no! The minions of Sauron!” Kyle, decked out in his makeshift costume, pointed across the pond to another group of 9 year olds. “Quick Legolas, use your nature magic to stop them!”
“I don’t have any nature magic!” ‘Legolas’ protested.
“Well…do something!” Kyle insisted. This really wasn’t going as awesome as they’d thought it would. Stan didn’t seem to be having much luck either.
“Use the ring Frodo, it’s the only way!”
“Do I have to put this thing on? It’s turning my finger green…”
“Dude, just put it on and then make yourself invisible!”
“I…don’t think I can do that….”
For a pair of elves - even if the shorter one kept saying he wasn’t an elf - they sucked at playing Lord of the Rings.
“TIME OUT!” Kyle called. “Look, this is really simple. We’re the Fellowship of the Ring. We’re taking the one ring to the fires of mount doom to destroy it. You’re the elf prince Legolas, you’re a master bowman and have super cool magic and you use it to help us. You’re Frodo Baggins, the brave hobbit that carries the ring. The ring makes you invisible and crap. Those guys are the people trying to stop us. Get it?”
“What’s a ‘hobbit’?”
“ARGH!” Kyle was ready to beat his head against the wall. “Just…do what we tell you, okay? It’s fun!”
And with that, they plunged back into their game. The opposing group of fourth graders had made it around the pond, and a true mock-battle was engaging. Mostly. Legolas and Frodo were still just standing around, looking like they wanted to be elsewhere.
At least until Kenny started hitting Legolas with a stick.
“Oh no, fight him off Legolas, he’s a ring-wraith!” Stan called. Kyle was busy waving a plastic battle axe at Clyde, but he kept an eye on their new playmates to make sure they finally understood the game.
“Would you please stop hitting me?” Legolas was asking Kenny.
“Mff'ppm mfmppfppppppmmm mpffmfmmfpmp ffmppffmf fmfpfm!”
“..pardon?”
“Get him, Legolas!” Kyle, Stan and a handful of others were cheering the elf on.
“Fmppffffm mmmpppmpm mpmmppmpfmppmmmfmp ppmmpp!”
There was a flash of light as Legolas extended his hands. Kenny fell back, smelling slightly burnt.
“Oh my god, they killed Kenny,” Stan said quickly and without enthusiasm.
“You bastards,” Kyle finished, knocking Clyde over.
“…” Legolas was staring at his hands.
“Dude, there’s still more ring wraiths!” Stan yelled.
“I…that little boy…” He sounded horrified. Frodo had come over to join him, looking equally horrified.
“What’s the big deal?” Kyle asked. “Just keep playing, we’re gonna have to go home for dinner soon!”
“Val…what the hell happened?”
“I don’t know! I…I didn’t mean to….”
“Dude! It happens like every day! It‘s fine.” Kyle waved his fake weapon around some more, for effect. But their two elves were now hugging and seeming ridiculously distraught. Great. Just great. This was supposed to be the best Lord of the Rings game ever, but it was starting to totally suck.
“Man, Cartman summoned the crappiest elves ever,” Stan muttered.
“Totally,” Kyle agreed.
“Plus, I think they’re gay for each other,” Stan added.
“Wanna go back home and play more Street Fighter?”
“Sounds good.”
***
Cartman was unfrozen by the time they got back. And pissed.
“WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY ELVES?!?!” he demanded.
“I dunno.” Stan and Kyle hopped on the couch and booted up their video game. “We tried playing Lord of the Rings but they sucked so we came home.”
“DUDE! THAT IS SO NOT FAIR! THOSE WERE MY ELVES AND I WANTED TO PLAY WITH THEM!”
“Then go find them and you try and make them play,” Kyle said. “By the way, I’m pretty sure they were fairies.”
Cartman turned beat red, balled his fists and stomped his foot.
“SCREW YOU GUYS!” He yelled. “I’M GOING HOME!”
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Though I think my inner!Valyn kind of wants to kill me now...;)
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BUT I DID NOT MEAN TO KILL YOU!
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My.
God.
*wipes eyes*
I can never look at Legolas and Frodo again without picturing a bewildered Valyn and Shadow.
That was brilliant. Absolutely. Brilliant. XD
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I'm glad you enjoyed! It was so much fun, and so much crack... :D
And the image of Valyn accidentally killing Kenny is hilarious. :D
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And is it bad that I pictured the entire thing ala South Park's construction paper cutout-style complete with faux-realistic Val and Shadow cutouts?
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Hahahahahah, that's hilarious!
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I'm glad it was prompted, too! There really should be more South Park crossovers. I think it writes itself.
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But I will be shortly.
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