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said_scarlett) wrote2008-09-12 08:09 am
said_scarlett) wrote2008-09-12 08:09 am
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Beauty Has a Twelve Foot Cock, And The Beast Has No Idea....
And now, I believe, it is safe to say we consider Silent Hill to be our home.
We've certainly made enough of our own imprint on the place, valiantly and ceaselessly seeking to de-hippy-fy the household. The smell is the worst at this point - we combat it with Febreeze, scented candles, oil diffusers and room sprays.
But the cleaning of the house is not an easy task. The trials we faced were more than simply a stolen microwave, a permeating scent of wet dog and a fridge of ungodly odors. There were far more surprises waiting around every turn. Nothing could prepare us for....
Uncovering The True Silent Hill.
I warn you, the entirety this tale is bizarre and in some places possibly disturbing if one gives it too much thought. We try not to. The first installment (I hope) is more funny than disturbing in most places, though those who have strong reactions to depictions of humans living in organic filth may wish to skip.
It began simply enough. The move started as any move, hauling down furniture and necessities and piling up boxes and pieces of beds and other things in the appropriate rooms. Once that was complete, we set to unpacking the kitchen items and scrubbing the counters - Nija in the living room with boxes, myself in the kitchen with counter spray and paper towels.
This is when the discoveries began. They were irritating but harmless at first. A Guitar Hero sticker plastered on our lovely antique cabinets. Empty bottles of cleaning products under the sink - how they became empty, we don't know, as investigation revealed no cleaning done in the house other than in a few small areas. Unidentified sticky substances on various surfaces, clearly visible due to being dark brown. Rodent droppings. Twitch-inducing, but not completely unexpected.
Then I opened a drawer. I simply stared for a moment, attempting to process what I was looking at. An entire kitchen drawer filled with - or so it appeared - naught but old Hot Sauce packets from Taco Bell. There must have been at least a hundred, filling the drawer. I began to remove them and discovered they were not alone. As well as a single mayonnaise packet, there was....
A feeding syringe for administering vitamins and medicine to reptiles. Ah yes, for the Bearded Dragon that had lived in their bathroom, I assume. I hope. Why it was stored with their Hot Sauce and mayo, I'm not sure. And then beneath it all, a bit of tinfoil with pinholes poked through and a musky sweet resin clinging to it....
Aha! I thought. Things were starting to make a bit of sense - or at least that drawer was. Anyone who ever experimented with marijuana as a teenager and had no access to rolling papers, a cigarette to stuff it in, or a pipe knows how to construct a simple bong from a water bottle, straw and tinfoil with holes poked in it. It is the quick fix for the occasional smoker. Well, clearly the Damn Dirty Hippies did indeed indulge on occasion. Unsurprising. After a small laugh and tossing out the contents of the drawer, it was on to the next one!
Which appeared to be full of cast aside kitchen bits. There was half of a Magic Bullet, one of those ludicrous products they advertise passed midnight on basic cable. There was a bag of shish kabob skewers. Three separate chopsticks, none of which had a mate. An old fashioned hand mixer. A drink mixing apparatus. A gorgeous stone soup ladle that I immediately cradled to my bosom and assured was now safe - who knows what horrific suffering the poor thing has suffered through at the hands of Those People? A lovely silver set. A barbecue set. A...sacred Goddess salad set. Rusty, old, creepy...wire cutters? Did Pyramid Head already move in the night before? A...oh good god, what is that, it's wet and slimy and smells horrific?!?!?
Spoiled mayo, we believe, clinging to bits of what we assume were the magic bullet. And rotten lettuce bits. I shuddered. I leapt away in disgust. I believe I cried out in horror and fear.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nijawial bolted into the kitchen, fearing perhaps a raccoon had jumped from a cabinet and attempted to eat my face.
We closed the drawer and decided to return when we had gloves. Little did we know there were gloves - both our own and those left behind. In the cabinets under the sink we found old cleaning products and a beautiful terra cotta flower pot. We were ecstatic - despite the disgusting surprises - because we were nearly done! All we had left to check were the upper cabinets!
I threw open the cabinet over the sink, fearing what may be lurking. At this point, nothing was out of the question. For all we knew, their lizard was still living in the house. There was the chance it was empty, true, but at this point I was prepared for the worst.
When the cabinet was open, I simply stared in shocked silence. I thought perhaps I was hallucinating. Sitting in the kitchen cabinet could not be what I thought it was. The fumes had gotten to me, obviously. Lack of sleep. But no. No, I was not going mad. I was not seeing things at all.
I carefully reached into the cabinet and took it in my hands. A beautifully sculpted green and white blown glass water pipe, still sticky sweet with resin.....
We can only assume that these people were such epic stoners that they managed to forget their own bong. This is an expensive piece of paraphernalia, easily in the $90 - $100 range. And it explains why no one has shown up to retrieve their 'things' as we were told someone would. Who wants to ask random strangers if they can retrieve illegal (due to what is inside it) drug paraphernalia from their kitchen?
Part Two to follow later. We still have a great deal to do, but stay tuned for: Suitcases In Scary Places, Bathroom Acrobatics, and Walls That Preach!
We've certainly made enough of our own imprint on the place, valiantly and ceaselessly seeking to de-hippy-fy the household. The smell is the worst at this point - we combat it with Febreeze, scented candles, oil diffusers and room sprays.
But the cleaning of the house is not an easy task. The trials we faced were more than simply a stolen microwave, a permeating scent of wet dog and a fridge of ungodly odors. There were far more surprises waiting around every turn. Nothing could prepare us for....
Uncovering The True Silent Hill.
I warn you, the entirety this tale is bizarre and in some places possibly disturbing if one gives it too much thought. We try not to. The first installment (I hope) is more funny than disturbing in most places, though those who have strong reactions to depictions of humans living in organic filth may wish to skip.
It began simply enough. The move started as any move, hauling down furniture and necessities and piling up boxes and pieces of beds and other things in the appropriate rooms. Once that was complete, we set to unpacking the kitchen items and scrubbing the counters - Nija in the living room with boxes, myself in the kitchen with counter spray and paper towels.
This is when the discoveries began. They were irritating but harmless at first. A Guitar Hero sticker plastered on our lovely antique cabinets. Empty bottles of cleaning products under the sink - how they became empty, we don't know, as investigation revealed no cleaning done in the house other than in a few small areas. Unidentified sticky substances on various surfaces, clearly visible due to being dark brown. Rodent droppings. Twitch-inducing, but not completely unexpected.
Then I opened a drawer. I simply stared for a moment, attempting to process what I was looking at. An entire kitchen drawer filled with - or so it appeared - naught but old Hot Sauce packets from Taco Bell. There must have been at least a hundred, filling the drawer. I began to remove them and discovered they were not alone. As well as a single mayonnaise packet, there was....
A feeding syringe for administering vitamins and medicine to reptiles. Ah yes, for the Bearded Dragon that had lived in their bathroom, I assume. I hope. Why it was stored with their Hot Sauce and mayo, I'm not sure. And then beneath it all, a bit of tinfoil with pinholes poked through and a musky sweet resin clinging to it....
Aha! I thought. Things were starting to make a bit of sense - or at least that drawer was. Anyone who ever experimented with marijuana as a teenager and had no access to rolling papers, a cigarette to stuff it in, or a pipe knows how to construct a simple bong from a water bottle, straw and tinfoil with holes poked in it. It is the quick fix for the occasional smoker. Well, clearly the Damn Dirty Hippies did indeed indulge on occasion. Unsurprising. After a small laugh and tossing out the contents of the drawer, it was on to the next one!
Which appeared to be full of cast aside kitchen bits. There was half of a Magic Bullet, one of those ludicrous products they advertise passed midnight on basic cable. There was a bag of shish kabob skewers. Three separate chopsticks, none of which had a mate. An old fashioned hand mixer. A drink mixing apparatus. A gorgeous stone soup ladle that I immediately cradled to my bosom and assured was now safe - who knows what horrific suffering the poor thing has suffered through at the hands of Those People? A lovely silver set. A barbecue set. A...sacred Goddess salad set. Rusty, old, creepy...wire cutters? Did Pyramid Head already move in the night before? A...oh good god, what is that, it's wet and slimy and smells horrific?!?!?
Spoiled mayo, we believe, clinging to bits of what we assume were the magic bullet. And rotten lettuce bits. I shuddered. I leapt away in disgust. I believe I cried out in horror and fear.
nijawial bolted into the kitchen, fearing perhaps a raccoon had jumped from a cabinet and attempted to eat my face.We closed the drawer and decided to return when we had gloves. Little did we know there were gloves - both our own and those left behind. In the cabinets under the sink we found old cleaning products and a beautiful terra cotta flower pot. We were ecstatic - despite the disgusting surprises - because we were nearly done! All we had left to check were the upper cabinets!
I threw open the cabinet over the sink, fearing what may be lurking. At this point, nothing was out of the question. For all we knew, their lizard was still living in the house. There was the chance it was empty, true, but at this point I was prepared for the worst.
When the cabinet was open, I simply stared in shocked silence. I thought perhaps I was hallucinating. Sitting in the kitchen cabinet could not be what I thought it was. The fumes had gotten to me, obviously. Lack of sleep. But no. No, I was not going mad. I was not seeing things at all.
I carefully reached into the cabinet and took it in my hands. A beautifully sculpted green and white blown glass water pipe, still sticky sweet with resin.....
We can only assume that these people were such epic stoners that they managed to forget their own bong. This is an expensive piece of paraphernalia, easily in the $90 - $100 range. And it explains why no one has shown up to retrieve their 'things' as we were told someone would. Who wants to ask random strangers if they can retrieve illegal (due to what is inside it) drug paraphernalia from their kitchen?
Part Two to follow later. We still have a great deal to do, but stay tuned for: Suitcases In Scary Places, Bathroom Acrobatics, and Walls That Preach!
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